Don't Use on Color Clothes
by GuajolotA
Summary: Compilation of Random One-shots and Drabbles. Are you Looking for a Good Job? 13 Divitions, 13 Commercials, 13 awful commercials
1. Classes with Professor Kenpachi

**[Title: Classes with Professor Kenpachi]**

**[Genre: Humor/Parody]**

**[Pairing/Characters: Kenpachi, Byakuya, Mayuri, and… people that should not be here. Mention of Ichi/Ruki and Ikkaku/Nemu]**

**[Note: I feel the necessity to warn that English is NOT my first language, so if anyone finds any mistake PLEASE tell me, I would really appreciate it.]**

**Classes with Professor Kenpachi**

Kenpachi wasn't nervous, of course he wasn't; he was the magnificent Zaraki Kenpachi, why would he be nervous?

"So," started the old and raspy voice of the Capitan Commander, "you destroyed three noble's houses, the door of 6th division and you drew a kitty with aerosol paint in the 12th division's wall…"

"I did NOT draw a 'kitty'" Kenpachi responded to the false accusation from Yamamoto.

"Whatever your vice-Capitan does also rests in your shoulders"

"Urgh" was the only eloquent answer that the eleventh division Capitan could think of.

"And, well, your punishment will be…" the next phrase made Zaraki Kenpachi feel fear, not only nerves or simple goose bumps, real fear.

* * *

><p>"Don't worry, Ken-chan, you're gonna do great" said the little vice-Capitan "Just wait and see, they will love you!"<p>

Kenpachi was wearing a brown tweed jacket with mustard leather patches on the elbows, and a tie that clearly said 'I have a REALLY bad taste'.

"Ehem, I am still not sure about this, Yachiru" said Kenpachi looking at his extremely ugly jacket "But well, I've gotta go"

"Good luck, Kenny!"

Kenpachi looked at the door of the classroom in which he was going to impart a class, yes, Zaraki Kenpachi, Eleventh Division Capitan was now; Proffessor Zaraki Kenpachi

"'How to be a Good Father' Why do I have to impart this freaking class?" said between his teeth while entering the classroom, where his students already waited for him, ready to start.

In the first desk, in the middle row, there he was; Mayuri Kurotsuchi, who was looking at his professor with a deep hate. Almost hiding in a corner, between shadows; Kuchiki Byakuya, ashamed for being there, and Ukitake was…

"Ukitake? What the hell are YOU doing here?"

"I'm here to become a better father for Shiro-kun"

"Hitsugaya is not your son" Kenpachi said coldly, and less than a moment Unohana entered running to the classroom.

"We are so sorry. He escaped from the 4th quarters, the medicine that I gave to him has... some secondary effects" said nervously "GUYS!" she called "Come and get him" both 3rd seats from the 13th squadron entered and took their Capitan from one arm each, carrying him outside the classroom as if their Capitan was a crazy man, and that was exactly what he was.

"No, don't take me! If I don't stay I will never become a good father for Shiro. Don't. Noooo!" screamed Ukitake, kicking his legs in the air.

After this strange scene, Kenpachi saw his two students and the 30 empty desks. He sighted.

"Ejem...Let's begin"

"Why a man-half-monkey like you" started an offended Mayuri "must be MY professor?"

"'Cause you are an awful father" yelled Yachiru, who was standing outside their window.

"Yachiru! Go and pick on Ikkaku!" ordered Kenpachi, only to hear an 'ooww, Ken-chan doesn't like me anymore'. "Ejem…well…hi, let's see what's in the program" he said taking a bunch of papers that laid at his desk and reading them "Ejem, yeah, let's talk about…hum…value your kid…ajam… give him support...urgh…loving them…Who wrote this shit? Aergh… let's make this easier. Why the hell are you here?

"Well, people say I'm a monster and that I should go and rotten in the over populated and unspacious hell" said Mayuri without importance

"But we tell you that all the time…"

"Yeah, but, they say I am an 'extremely lousy father' and a 'tyrant with Nemu'" said the clownish man, air quoting "Actually I have no idea why they say that."

"And you, pretty boy?

"It seems" said Byakuya with his upper-class manner "I am way too cold with my sister…"

"Oh, really? But you are like that with everyone" said Kenpachi

"Ejem…yeah, well…" a slightly red tone covered up Byakuya's features as he continued his explication "that and the fact that I tied her to a chair and hide her in a room of the Kuchiki's Mannor"

Kenpachi raised a brow with disbelief

"Seriously"

"..." Byakuya's awkward silence was the perfect answer to the question

"Well, easy" started Kenpachi "You" He said pointing to the Capitan of the 12ve division and investigation and technology department president "Be nicer with your kid, I dunno, buy her and ice cream or something, and you" said pointing to the 6th division Capitan "…stop being so weird, really…and that's all class. You're dismissed"

"B-but!" everyone watched Byakuya "what I am going to do when Rukia has another date with Kurosaki?"

* * *

><p>Nemu was in a room of the 12th division, tied with chains to a chair.<p>

"Mayuri-sama, why are you doing this?" ask patiently the young woman.

"Well, you see, that bald animal from the eleventh division came to see me…"

"Ikkaku-san?"

"Yes, he said he wanted to go out with you…and this is what my professor said that I had to do if something like that ever happened. So, where are the titanium locks?"

* * *

><p><strong>I think that's all for today…<strong>

**Please remember English is not my first lenguage, jeje...**

**This is a translation of 'No se Use con Ropa de Color' (you can find a link in my profile) so I already know what One-Shots and Drabbles are next, but (ignoring the fact that is going to take a while) I acept requests...**

**BTW, this chapter has a sequel~  
><strong>

**Bye.**


	2. This is Kind of Odd

**[Title: This is Kind of Odd]**

**[Genre: General/Romance?]**

**[Paring/Characters: Ishida Uryuu/Inoue Orihime]**

**[Note: I rarely add Japanese suffixes like –kun or –chan, but for some reason I thought Orihime needed them!]**

**This is kind of Odd**

There are some things in life that are kind of… odd. Like the fact that Ichigo Kurosaki was feared and respected by almost any Shinigami, Arrancar and enemy in the world; the guy had the name of a FRUIT! Or the fact that Byakuya's Bankai was one of the most powerful and feared Bankais in all the Sereitei; they were flowers, and not even flowers with thorns, but PETALS. Yes, there are always odd and strange things in the world, things that one never expects.

"Ishida-kun, are you feeling all right?" asked Orihime to her pale classmate

"Uhhmmm… no" answered the Quincy, who was in obvious pain "I think I'm sick"

"Don't you want to go with the school nurse? Maybe she can give you some medicine"

"No thanks" answered Uryuu "I don't think that what that nurse administrates is medicine… or legal"

"Hello my young delinquents!" greeted the teacher as she entered to the classroom "How is life treating you? Ha, like if I care!" said the strangely cheerful educator as she started her class, forcing the pair to drop their conversation, but not for long.

"Urgh" complained Uryuu, in a pained whisper "I think I'm going to throw up"

"Don't you want some of my lunch?" offered sweetly Orihime, trying to be discrete "or maybe some water?"

"Mmmm no, thanks" he declined, but still unable to hide his nausea "If I throw up, don't let me pass the embarrassment by myself" said half joking… and half not so joking

Orihime blinked a couple of times, as if she was processing the information and then smiled openly "Okay; if you throw up, I throw up" Ishida, slightly shocked, turned towards her.

…Odd way to fall in love, don't you think?

**I originally forgot to mention this fic was a translation of 'No se Use con Ropa de Color' and that I accept requests…**

**Chaui~**


	3. It is Almost Like a Joke

**[Title: It is Almost Like a Joke]**

**[Genre: Humor/Parody/Romance]**

**[Paring/Characters: ShinjixHiyori]**

**[Note: Originally wrote in July of the 2008, and slightly edited in… no (May 2012)]**

**It is Almost Like a Joke  
><strong>

After defeating Aizen, getting their bodies patched up, and just before getting into any burocratic associations; the Vizards decided that it was probably the best time to get out and 'discover' the world. While in USA the Vizards only had one place they wanted to meet: Las Vegas. Obviously, the only one who didn't like the idea was Hiyori, since she still hadn't grow old, she was the only one that looked underage, even Shinji had his fake ID—courtesy of Urahara—and looked old enough to pass for a 21 year old.

So Hiyori was the only one who wasn't going to be able to gamble.

"But why we can't wait until I found a way to bet!" complained Hiyori for the eleventh time in that hour.

"Because we are already here, and coming all the way from Japan to here only to come back is not an option" said calmly Shinji as he read a magazine "plus, I bet there are thousands of thing you can do while you are here" Hiyori looked at Shinji exceptically "I don't know, you could go shopping or something"

"Wow, that sounds like SO much fun!" said sarcastically as she let herself sink in the couch. The group was reunited in the lobby of their fancy hotel; planning what would they do during the day.

Well, deciding what was Hiyori going to do; they had already planned to spend all their money like if the world was ending in 2012.

"That's my girl" said equally sarcastic Shinji. Sadly he was so distracted with his magazine that he wasn't able to avoid the base that hit him square in the face.

_"Who am I kidding? I saw it coming"_

* * *

><p>If Hiyori was totally and completely sure of something was that Las Vegas wasn't a place for a minor. All the Vizards were in a club, drinking and partying, and Hiyori had been kicked out, so she was waiting for them outside.<p>

"Having fun?" asked Shinji, as he sat beside her

"Obviously not, idiot" yelled Hiyori. Shinji, instead of answering, gave her a glass with an unknown content, "And what the hell is that?"

"What do you think?" he answered, and Hiyori smelled the contents of her beverage

"Are you letting me drink?" asked the young blonde astonished

"Only if you don't tell the rest" Hiyori took the glass and looked at her contents suspiciously "Hey, its save; I promise! No hangover guarantied and I swear that if you really get too drunk I'll take care of you… And I won't take any pictures, I promise." And with a small 'Hum' Hiyori started drinking.

* * *

><p>Morning light found its way to hit Shinji square on the face, who felt forced to open his eyes. He saw the offending window with a scowl, but tried to return to his sleep when he noticed a tickling sensation that ran all the way from his arm, something wasn't letting his blood run freely. As Shinji slowly woke up, he started noting other stuff; <em>something<em> was on his arm, and that same _something_ was also on his shoulder. After a quick mental debate; Shinji decided to open his eyes again and try to analyze his problem more deeply, even if sleeping with the _something_ over him wasn't impossible

Lazily, Shinji opened his eyes and with an inhuman slowness moved his head to get a better view of his shoulder

_"Oh… no"_

Resting on his arm was Hiyori, sleeping and curling besides him, with her arm stretched over his waist. Shinji couldn't help but notice what could be the worst of all his problems. Even with the bed sheets covering them, he could tell one thing.

She was naked.

_"Please someone tell me this isn't true"_

It's not necessary to mention that he was also naked. He decided that being the gentleman he is—or that he thinks he is—he had to wake up Hiyori. Even if that meant getting the beating of his non-life.

"Hi… Hiyori" called softly the blond as he moved the girls with his free arm."Hiyori" he said a little bit louder "Hiyori, wake up."

"Let me alone, baldy" she responded as she cuddled a little bit more in what she thought was a pillow.

"Hiyori, this is kind of important"

"Urgh, what the hell do you want?" she said turning were she thought Shinji would be. Then, returned to the original position and in that moment noticed her pillow was actually Shinji's shoulder "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" she yelled sitting "wait…" she looked down and asked "am I… naked?" she looked at her covered chest and then at Shinji, who was laying on his bed and covering his eyes with his recently freed hand. He nodded. "Are… are you naked?" He nodded again "Please tell me this is a joke" Shinji didn't respond, and Hiyori simply lost it "No, no, oh no, no. Oh no! This can't be true! How many drinks I got? 'I'll take care of you' my ass! I'm killing you!" and that was when Hiyori started enlisting all the ways he was going to torture, kill and even ways she was going to use to torture Shinji's corpse.

Shinji was trying to ignore what Hiyori was saying, partly because he wanted to remember what had happened last night, and because he know Hiyori wasn't lying and she was probably going to do everything she was saying. As he massaged his temples he noticed something in the corner of his eye, something that was gold and round and in his finger.

"Hiyori" he called

"… and then I'm going to take your stupid head and take your brains out"

"Hiyori"

"And shove them into your…"

"Hiyori!"

"What the fuck do you want now, you animal?" is not necessary to mention that she said this with a very angry tone.

"Your hand"

"What with my hand?"

"Haven't you seen your hand?"

"No I haven't, I have other things to worry you know, I have no time for…"

"Just look at your hand" he ordered; the girl only rolled her eyes and looked at her hand

"There is nothing special about it"

"Not that one, the left one" Hiyori looked at her left hand and noticed the same detail Shinji had noticed before her.

"A… a ring?" It seemed like Hiyori wanted to keep talking, but for a second, it was impossible for her to get a sound out of her mouth, "I can't bet… But I can get married?" Shinji simply sit beside her.

"I always thought you joked when you said you were going to marry me" he mentioned nonchalantly

"I did too" the pair stayed silent for a while, both with a lost gaze and an inexpressive face.

Shinji broke the silence

"Well, we should see the positive side"

"Oh yeah, which one?"

"Well, at least you marry _me_ and not some crazy dude that you found in the middle of the street, plus…"

"What?" Shinji smiled as he touched her forehead with his, making her blush

"I bet for anything you like that you don't have a hangover" he said before kissing her in lips and left, leaving his 'wife' shocked.

Slowly, Hiyori smiled to herself and said

"I got married"

**Originally this chapter wasn't in the Spanish version because originally there was a Drabble/Fic collection of Shinji/Hiyori fics, but then I decided to add every character in Bleach, so I made a new fic, but this shots are kinda part of the Spanish version of DUCC.**

**….Yeah**

**Thanks for all the reviews, alerts, favs, reads, views and good wishes…**

**Now, keep them coming!**

**PD. Sorry for any mistakes, again; English is NOT my first language… if you find ANY mistakes, please let me know**


	4. Are you Looking for a Good Job?

**[Title: Are you looking for a good job?]**

**[Genre: Parody/Humor]**

**[Paring/Characters: Soul Society]**

**[Note: I really, really need to start looking for a beta... Well, I'll find one eventually (who am I kidding?)]**

**Are you looking for a good job?**

1

Welcome to Soul Society, where you and your friend can find a new, good, decent job; with an excellent pat and low mortality rate

_But Yammamoto-soutaicho, I thought we were already dead._

…Shut up. Please, choose the squadron that fits more with your personality *wink*

* * *

><p>2<p>

Look you little and insignificant bugs, in the second division there are not whining, crying and don't even expect special considerations; it's expected that every and each one of you get one picture of Yourichi-sama

_Ughrm… captain_

Oh yeah, you also have to protect the Goitei 13 and Sereitei and Souls and all that stuff because we are the special Ops and all that… don't forget the pictures

* * *

><p>3<p>

Welcome to the third division, best known as the Smile Division

_But, Capitan Ichimaru, that's not true, we are known as the division with the creepy Capitan…_

Are you contradicting me?

_N-no, I-I could not!_

Good, Izuru, now Smile~

* * *

><p>4<p>

Good day, this is the fourth division were we take care of your health and help you get healthy again with the best medicine one can find, love… In the fourth division we treat scratches, bruises, bites, and stabs. Please, if you are a scary cat, join us; we need people to help us clean the pipes.

_Sniff sniff_

_Hanatauro, are you crying?_

_Yes_

_But why are you so sad?_

_Is not sadness, is happiness… finally someone is going to help me clean._

* * *

><p>5<p>

Welcome to the fifth division, I am Aizen; a kind and honorable human being, but specially, I am the Capitan of this division and I am pleased to inform that we have available seats for any of you who would like to…

_But Capitan Aizen! I thought I was enough! You told me I was special!_

…please someone get her out of here

* * *

><p>6<p>

…

_Capitan, you have to say something_

…

* * *

><p>7<p>

Welcome to the Seventh Division! The Division in which…Uhh, Iba… Iba I think there is… urgh, Iba, could you scratch my ear? Uhm…

_Sorry Capitan! Let me get the brush! W-wait! Don't scratch with the leg! Capitan! You are scaring little kids!_

* * *

><p>8<p>

Welcome-hip-welcome beautiful young ladies! To the beautiful young division of the eight!

_Capitan, you are drunk…_

But Naaanaaaao-chaaaan! I just want you to be with me! Why would you choose Enrique Alejandro when I support you during your pregnancy!

_And what are you talking about?!_

Oh sorry, I was watching my Soap…

* * *

><p>9<p>

Welcome to the Ninth Division; where our motto is Justice

_Capitan…_

And if Justice is what you want and Justice is what you get.

_Capitan…._

And Justice will make you happy

…

And Justice came and saw it was good

_Capitan! You are giving your back to the camara!_

Nonsense Hisagi, Justice would never let me commit a mistake like that one

* * *

><p>10<p>

Welcome to the Tenth Division, Division in which I AM the Capitan, yes me, ME. No, I am NOT an Elementary School Kid lost, and you don't need to help me find my way home, you will help me with paperwork! AND I AM NOT CUTE!

_Oh, but Capitan, you are very cute._

I AM NOT CUTE!

_Yes you are! All small and sweet and you look like an adorable kid!_

Matsumoto! For God's sake! I am not a kid!

_Oh, don't worry. Eventually you'll grow up!_

…but I am Capitan….

* * *

><p>11<p>

Fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight beat Ichigo beat Ichigo beat Ichigo beat Ichigo beat Ichigo beat Ichigo beat Ichigo beat Ichigo beat Ichigo

_What Capitan Kenpachi wants to say..._

_Don't Interrupt Ken-chan, you baldy!_

_I am not Bald!_

_But all of you are un-beautiful_

(Special message from the Vice Capitan of the Sixth Division: Do NOT join the eleventh, I as there… and I'll never be the same)

* * *

><p>12<p>

Greetings; I am Mayuri Kurotsuchi, but that is not relevant information. I would like to invite you to the 12th division and research team, I would be incredibly pleased if you joined, you may not be interesting specimens but research is always important, and I am glad you would like to come and let me open you and dissect you and put strange things in your bodies… and she is my daughter, Nemu. She wears a skirt

_…_

* * *

><p>13<p>

Hello young fellas! I am Ukitake and I would love to be your Capitan! I promise I will be a good Capitan, I will consider you necessities and cheer you efforts and help you to get that promotion you may want!... but don't shoot for vice Capitan, they tend to die… and I don't like that… cof, cof, COF COF COF!

_Capitan, your are coughing blood!_

COF COF!

-This Message has been cutted because technical difficulties—

That year the sixth divition was the divition with the most applications… but the twelfth was close second.


End file.
